Anger, when not restrained, is more hurtful to us than the event or person provoking it. ~ Seneca
A person with uncontrolled anger cannot safely express anger… ever. The physical part of anger (the excitement, adrenaline rush, narrowed focus, and power surge) is intoxicating to a rageaholic in the way Vodka is to an alcoholic. There is no such thing as casual self-expression for you. Your nervous system is not wired that way. Instead, you must learn a new way to navigate life.
Counseling that focuses on anger resolution teaches you to relax, abstain from expressing anger, communicate more peacefully, and change the beliefs that perpetuate this destructive cycle. Let’s briefly look at each of these:
Relax: to halt adrenaline surges and learn self-care. Simply changing the way you breathe will stop the rush of intense emotions and the drive to attack.
Abstain: Silence is the #1 behavior to learn when you are a ragaholic. Silence will reduce the amount of anger you feel and prevent you from damaging relationships further.
Communicate: Being able to verbally take a one-down position saves relationships and gets you out of trouble. You act your way to feeling differently. That means you will practice faking it until you make it.
Believe: Examine and replace the destructive values you live by. While they may lead you to feel powerful at times, they are not serving you well. Changing your beliefs about yourself and the way the world works is a process that takes some time. Of the steps listed here, this is the most challenging.
When we hold onto anger, it destroys peace and joy in life—ours and the lives of those around us. Holding anger to justify our actions/beliefs creates ruptures in relationships, making it harder to live in harmony, and more difficult to work together.
The Truth About Emotions: All emotions are short lived. To sustain loving feelings you must continually think loving thoughts. To hold on to anger you must continually think of things that frustrate or infuriate. The adrenaline released during fight/flight/freeze only lasts 3 minutes before your metabolism clears it from your system. To stay angry, you have to keep thinking about injustices, betrayals, slights, insults, and other negative themes in your life. Repetitive negative thoughts reduce your tolerance for normal, minor frustrations and can give you a false sense of justification. You end up with a “short fuse” and a long list of “violations.” Letting go of the need to be “right” and win at all costs will set you free and prevent you from getting into trouble in the future. Changing your view of the world will make it possible for you to live differently in it.
Its always a good idea to talk with a professional, and especially when you…
- Are in legal trouble resulting from expressing anger
- Face probationary action at work due to your anger
- Are considering ending a marriage due to frequent angry arguments
- Throw or beat objects during arguments
- Drive recklessly while angry
- Maliciously destroy property
- Threaten violence and mean it
- Carry through with violent threats
- Are troubled by guilt associated with your actions
- Have a history of losses, trauma, or abuse
- Are so distracted by anger that you cannot focus on anything else
- Are thinking of harming yourself
You can break old angry habits. To begin stop these habits right now:
- Speaking or Interrupting
- Cursing – it increases adrenaline; word choice makes a difference
- Name-calling, berating, humiliating
- Threatening
- Yelling
- Criticizing and /or Lecturing
- Mocking and Sarcastic remarks
- Standing your ground
- Throwing things, Slamming doors, Banging walls
- Staring, Pointing, Sighing, Clucking, Rolling your eyes – all convey disgust, anger and hostility
- All non-affectionate touching – restraining and pushing constitute criminal acts when done in anger
- Speeding while driving