Grieving the loss of an animal companion is so important to me that it has it’s own page on this website. The bond between you and your pet is as valuable as any of your human relationships. Many people however, do not appreciate the importance of this special connection. This discounting by others of your pain makes pet loss bereavement more complicated. It is referred to as Disenfranchised Grief and it warrants special attention.
The emotions associates with grieving for an animal companion are no different than those for a person. If you view your animal companion as a family member, you will experience the same intense feelings you might if it were a relative who’d died.
Your pain is REAL. To deny it dishonors the magnitude of your loving relationship and can invite health problems. Please allow me to gently guide you through this important and legitimate process.
If in crisis, click here to access support at Befrienders.org
Coming Soon… A new pet loss support group hosted at The Canine Center for Training and Behavior off Old Bee Caves Road in Oak Hill and lead by Cathy Heyman, MA, LPC. Check back here for updates.
When you’re grieving, here’s what helps
- Recognize that you are not going crazy. This loss is significant.
- Find a ritual. The action is not as important as the meaning it conveys for you.
- Talk or write about it (and cry) in measured doses with under standing others.
- Postpone change for a couple of weeks. Make fewer commitments. Lighten your load.
- Go slow. Do not rush to put away your companion’s things.
- Listen to music. Exercise. Pray if it comforts you.
- Keep routines. Predictability soothes during times of loss and chaos.
- Take deep breaths. Emotional pain causes us to hold our breath.
Helpful Pet Loss Websites
- Honoring the Bond Ohio State University Pet Loss Hotline
- APLB Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement
- Cornell University Pet Loss Support Hotline answered by veterinary students
- ASPCA American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
- The Animal Rescue Site Click to donate food to shelter animals. It can help to feel like you are doing something that benefits others and this is an easy way to help.
- Everlife Memorials Pet Loss Resources If you have just lost a pet or are about to lose one, these resources are a good starting point. You’ll find articles and information about pet grief, finding support, making final arrangements and memorializing your cherished pet.
My Story of Loss
Most of the time when I answer the question, “What do you do?,” I get this response, “Someday I know I will definitely need you, but until then, I’d rather not talk about it.” And then, they tell me about their furry or feathered companions and the depth and breadth of the happy times they share. I understand. Until I was forced to personally examine loss, I too turned away from thoughts of losing my best friend, and I’m a counselor! No one is immune.
What you don’t talk about remains mysterious and unknown. It is this unknown part that scares us. Our society treats death in this hushed way too. It’s a kind of silent collective denial of reality, thus we don’t know how to grieve. And thus at times, we need guidance.
Many people will turn away from reading this because just thinking about the inevitable loss of their beloved furry family member feels risky. To talk about “it” invites “it”, they believe. But I’m here to say that talking about loss in no way encourages it to happen. Talking about it reduces the mystery and fear of the unknown and then it does something very, very beneficial… it invites GRATITUDE and helps you relish each precious moment.
It is in recognizing the limited time we have to spend with beloved others that we come to fully appreciate every minute and make the best of what we have. We cannot escape the fact that we will outlive our loving animal companions. Their life-spans are shorter than ours. At some point, we will be called upon to make a great sacrifice – letting go the physical bonds of love. Saying goodbye is bittersweet—a mixture of pain and love—and life affirming once you emerge on the other side of grief.
I have been an animal guardian all my life. The longest and most closely bonded relationship I had was with a rescue cat named Crosby. He was my buddy for 17 years and the day I said goodbye to him is etched in my memory. But he is not the reason I developed a specialty in pet loss counseling. It was 9 years after Crosby’s death that events unfolded leading me to this place.
Some years ago, in the short span of three months, I lost three furry companions, each in different ways. The series began when GreyBoy was rehomed when it became clear he was an “only cat”. (GreyBoy now is in charge of a Great Dane in a very loving family.) One month later, Bon Bon ran away through the carelessness of a friend (since forgiven). Bon Bon never returned. A month and a half after Bon Bon’s loss, Stinker was euthanized when it became clear that the cancer was inoperable and his suffering too great. (I held him through the process.)
I barely had time to catch my breath. The series brought me to my knees more than once and caused me to seek professional help. I didn’t know how to handle this many losses so close together. I rediscovered what I’d experienced 9 years prior, that other people don’t always get how painful it is to lose an animal companion. They think that since it wasn’t a human, there’s isn’t pain, (Not True!), and that the remedy is to “get another one.”
Some people find that the pain is too much for them to go through again so they choose not to adopt another animal companion. I decided that the benefits of loving and being loved by a pet outweighed the temporary pain of loss and Kiki became a new family member.
Kiki
Helen Keller is quoted as saying: What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.
It is the process of grieving that makes our lost loved ones part of us. The process is rich and bittersweet.