STRESS

Similar to stress is ANXIETY, which loosely defined is the fear of loss in the future. In addition to being required to adapt to a new routine, feelings of discomfort can intensify if you interpret the change as one that threatens the loss of something you hold dear. Anxious thoughts focus on potential losses. Depressed thoughts focus on losses in your past.

ANGER has a purpose and that is self-preservation. It is not an emotion but a physiologic response to fear. We feel adrenaline coursing through our bodies when angry. When we express anger, we create distance between the thing that threatens us and ourselves. Some people flee (distance), some freeze in place (a trauma response), and others choose to FIGHT (create distance through force or volume).

People who are chronically stressed are no fun to be around because they tend to be self-absorbed, irritable, and lacking in energy and commitment. When chronically stressed, people find it hard to concentrate, which leads to repeated mistakes, lowered self-confidence, and frequent illnesses. It leads to BURNOUT, a state of physical, spiritual and emotional exhaustion. When you do things to reduce stress, it not only helps you, but also the people in your life who benefit from a fresher, more positive you!

If you are in crisis, click here to access support at Befrienders.org

The emotions associates with grieving for an animal companion are no different than those for a person. If you view your animal companion as a family member, you will experience the same intense feelings you might if it were a relative who’d died.

Your pain is REAL. To deny it dishonors the magnitude of your loving relationship and can invite health problems. Please allow me to gently guide you through this important and legitimate process.

If in crisis, click here to access support at Befrienders.org

Coming Soon… A new pet loss support group hosted at The Canine Center for Training and Behavior off Old Bee Caves Road in Oak Hill and lead by Cathy Heyman, MA, LPC. Check back here for updates.

My Story of Loss

Most of the time when I answer the question, “What do you do?,” I get this response, “Someday I know I will definitely need you, but until then, I’d rather not talk about it.” And then, they tell me about their furry or feathered companions and the depth and breadth of the happy times they share. I understand. Until I was forced to personally examine loss, I too turned away from thoughts of losing my best friend, and I’m a counselor! No one is immune.

What you don’t talk about remains mysterious and unknown. It is this unknown part that scares us. Our society treats death in this hushed way too. It’s a kind of silent collective denial of reality, thus we don’t know how to grieve. And thus at times, we need guidance.

Many people will turn away from reading this because just thinking about the inevitable loss of their beloved furry family member feels risky. To talk about “it” invites “it”, they believe.  But I’m here to say that talking about loss in no way encourages it to happen. Talking about it reduces the mystery and fear of the unknown and then it does something very, very beneficial… it invites GRATITUDE and helps you relish each precious moment.

It is in recognizing the limited time we have to spend with beloved others that we come to fully appreciate every minute and make the best of what we have. We cannot escape the fact that we will outlive our loving animal companions. Their life-spans are shorter than ours. At some point, we will be called upon to make a great sacrifice – letting go the physical bonds of love. Saying goodbye is bittersweet—a mixture of pain and love—and life affirming once you emerge on the other side of grief.

I have been an animal guardian all my life. The longest and most closely bonded relationship I had was with a rescue cat named Crosby. He was my buddy for 17 years and the day I said goodbye to him is etched in my memory. But he is not the reason I developed a specialty in pet loss counseling. It was 9 years after Crosby’s death that events unfolded leading me to this place.

Some years ago, in the short span of three months, I lost three furry companions, each in different ways. The series began when GreyBoy was rehomed when it became clear he was an “only cat”. (GreyBoy now is in charge of a Great Dane in a very loving family.) One month later, Bon Bon ran away through the carelessness of a friend (since forgiven).  Bon Bon never returned.  A month and a half after Bon Bon’s loss, Stinker was euthanized when it became clear that the cancer was inoperable and his suffering too great. (I held him through the process.)

I barely had time to catch my breath. The series brought me to my knees more than once and caused me to seek professional help. I didn’t know how to handle this many losses so close together. I rediscovered what I’d experienced 9 years prior, that other people don’t always get how painful it is to lose an animal companion. They think that since it wasn’t a human, there’s isn’t pain, (Not True!), and that the remedy is to “get another one.”

Some people find that the pain is too much for them to go through again so they choose not to adopt another animal companion. I decided that the benefits of loving and being loved by a pet outweighed the temporary pain of loss and Kiki became a new family member.

Kiki

Helen Keller is quoted as saying: What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.

It is the process of grieving that makes our lost loved ones part of us. The process is rich and bittersweet.

Anger, when not restrained, is more hurtful to us than the event or person provoking it. ~ Seneca

A person with uncontrolled anger can­not safely express anger… ever. The physical part of anger (the excitement, adrenaline rush, nar­rowed focus, and power surge) is intoxicating to a rageaholic in the way Vodka is to an alcoholic. There is no such thing as casual self-expression for you. Your nervous system is not wired that way. In­stead, you must learn a new way to navigate life.

Counseling that focuses on anger resolution teaches you to relax, abstain from expressing anger, communicate more peacefully, and change the beliefs that perpetuate this destructive cycle. Let’s briefly look at each of these:

Relax: to halt adrenaline surges and learn self-care. Simply changing the way you breathe will stop the rush of intense emotions and the drive to attack.

Abstain:  Silence is the #1 behavior to learn when you are a ragaholic. Silence will reduce the amount of anger you feel and prevent you from damaging relationships further.

Communicate: Being able to verbally take a one-down position saves relationships and gets you out of trouble. You act your way to feeling differently. That means you will practice faking it until you make it.

Believe: Examine and replace the destructive values you live by. While they may lead you to feel powerful at times, they are not serving you well. Changing your beliefs about yourself and the way the world works is a process that takes some time. Of the steps listed here, this is the most challenging.

When we hold onto anger, it destroys peace and joy in life—ours and the lives of those around us. Holding anger to justify our actions/beliefs creates rup­tures in relationships, making it harder to live in harmony, and more difficult to work together.

The Truth About Emotions: All emotions are short lived. To sustain loving feelings you must continually think loving thoughts. To hold on to anger you must continually think of things that frustrate or infuriate. The adrenaline released during fight/flight/freeze only lasts 3 minutes before your metabolism clears it from your system. To stay angry, you have to keep thinking about injustices, betrayals, slights, insults, and other negative themes in your life. Repetitive negative thoughts reduce your tolerance for normal, minor frustrations and can give you a false sense of justification. You end up with a “short fuse” and a long list of “violations.” Letting go of the need to be “right” and win at all costs will set you free and prevent you from getting into trouble in the future. Changing your view of the world will make it possible for you to live differently in it.